7:33 p.m. - 2007-07-19
smoking spiel
Here in England we're a couple of weeks into the smoking ban in pubs, workplaces, enclosed public spaces etc, and it all seems to be going swimmingly.
Smug, radiantly healthy non-smokers like me[1] fill our mighty, spotless lungs with air so clean it almost crackles with freshness. We smile our virtuous, self-satisfied smiles at one another as we survey the huddled ranks of smokers lurking outside in the rain. Their lumpen, malformed, diseased shapes clog the doorways and pavements of our beautiful shining cities.
Are they to be pitied, these pathetic scabby outcasts?
No, because they are trying to kill us!
With every exhalation of their cancerous lungs these wheezing assassins seek to bring about our destruction through the evil of PASSIVE SMOKING! Thanks to our fearless government, we can be protected from it thanks to a piece of legislation the logic of which appears to this Bison to run thus -
A section of the population engaging in a perfectly legal activity shall become criminals if they conduct that activity in proximity to others who are not engaged in that activity[2]
I therefore look forward to the day when our fearless government introduce measures to protect me from these other hazards to my health -
PASSIVE DRIVING
As a pedestrian I could easily be killed by a motorist whose vehicle mounts the pavement whilst the driver swerves to avoid a child/dog/other vehicle.
Therefore the only course of action is to ban vehicles from any public highway with an adjacent footpath.
PASSIVE DRINKING
There's every chance that I could be killed, or at least get my fucking head kicked in for no good reason by some arsehole who's ripped to the tits on 'happy hour' lager.
Therefore the only course of action is to ban the consumption of alcohol within a, ooh, let's say 100 mile radius of another person who may be sober.
[1] Okay, so I'm fond of the odd cigar.
[2] Or who are. An entire room full of active smokers would still be breaking the law since they are all forcing the others to passively inhale their smoke.
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